STEERING BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS

One Monday morning as I was scrolling through what seemed to me as an endless series of messages, someone gradually raised the question of arranging a get-together for the entire batch. What I believe erupted as a rather impulsive question quickly aroused everyone’s interest. The Monday blues were quick to disappear and everyone engaged in vehement planning. I dismissed it as one of the many hangouts the so-called popular people in our batch would organize. But the number of people who joined the list was quick to increase and in a jiffy, it crossed fifty, which meant more than three-fourths of our batch had decided to show up.

An acquaintance of mine who I have had a couple of subject-specific conversations with was kind enough to message me urging me to come. When I said that I wasn’t familiar enough with anyone and hanging out with a bunch of people like that was the last thing I wanted to, he explained to me in great detail how important this event was to get to know people who were supposedly the kindest, most inclusive souls on the face of the planet. From his vivid explanations and the high anticipation that I witnessed in the Whatsapp group, the event in their perception was the best thing since sliced bread.

I was apprehensive to join initially owing to the little interest I had with spending time with people I hardly knew when everyone else around was extremely familiar with each other through the many hours of conversations they indulged in via Whatsapp and the number of virtual meetings they have had. The secondary reason, probably the one that perturbed me the most was the anticipation of an anxiety episode.

I have always been very clear of the kind of relations that I want to create and doing that through mere online interactions was something that I was neither comfortable with nor very pleasing because from the very kind of conversations that one has to engage in, to the favours you have to extend in the name of help and friendship seemed like nothing but ruthless benefits certain people who proclaim themselves ‘cool’ tend to extract from people who want to establish friendships with such beings. Even though there remains a part of you that craves attention, the very clarity of thought about where I want to be has won over the former. I have always restrained from encouraging long hours of Whatsapp conversations and unwanted calls because I simply find that pointless. Some would certainly point that out as my inability to adapt to the new normal. Be that as it may, I would still prefer talking to people in person and gradually building a relationship that lasts at least as long as we are together.

Fighting initial skepticisms because of an episode of mild anxiety I experienced before leaving, I made it there. Not only did I feel uncomfortable around the group of people I was with, but also felt it extremely difficult to identify with hardly anyone I saw and met there. Be it dancing with seemingly vulgar steps to odd music or indulging in activities they called fun, everything there made me feel exceptionally weird and out of place.  I was following my group everywhere they went for no obvious want of company but to just not give the impression of a loner. The one individual who I knew from that group acted completely different from how she made herself seem from the few conversations we have had in fact the most I have had with anyone from my batch.  The utterly fake and useless questions of “Are you feeling comfortable” and “Are you there” after hours of completely ignoring my existence only added insult to injury.

I left earlier and came home crestfallen. Even though achan made me understand what just happened, I was simply not ready to listen. The moments of self-doubt they put me through were unexplainable.